Thursday, September 08, 2005

My The Cave Fanfiction

Piper Perabo frowned in the cave, although no one could see it because it was dark – and the darkness was composed of shadows, each one of which could have concealed literally anything that didn’t shoot out rays of light. She had just dropped the team’s last carboy of Borghese Fango active mud facial mask. Now they were without exfoliants. Although she was an expert rock-climber, she had never climbed the particular metaphorical cliff which she was now metaphorically climbing: a cliff of sheer terror.
Suddenly, one of the other actors fell down a real cliff into some water. “Guys!” he yelled, “I’m OK! I landed on the Asian guy!” Everyone, except for the Asian guy, was relieved.
Meanwhile, thirty years in the past, some Romanian grave robbers created a flimsy backstory.
Her hand shaking with twitches that were each composed of terror, Piper Perabo shined or shone her flashlight on a suspicious crevasse. She found the crevasse suspicious because it was emitting an unusual amount of blood and wailing, and also cries that sounded suspiciously like the noise that an unconvincing CGI/puppet monster makes when it is on the hunt – noises designed to induce terror! Also, Romanian folk legend referred to this crevasse as “I Crevassi Suspizione.”
Slowly, the light picked out the rock face, revealing that it did not at all look like papier-mâché on a sound stage. Slowly, the light slid leftwardsly, twitching in time with the terror infused beats of Piper Perabo’s heart, beats which rested over a bed of fear-shallots poached in a wine sauce of dread and dusted with ground black pepper of a different kind of dread. Suddenly, there was a movement – Picabo Street lunged out of the crevasse, her sharpened ski-poles held at port arms, ready to skewer Piper Perabo like a rosemary-rubbed lamb coulis!
“Oh, it’s just you, Piper Perabo,” Picabo Street said, sighing with relief and slumping back in her Winter Olympics souvenir ski jacket. Suddenly, a monster ate them. “NOO!” yelled the Asian guy – a yell of pure terror. “The monster seems to be targeting athletic women with amusing names!” he yelled in warning. Farther back in the cave, Washington Mystics WNBA player DeLisha Milton-Jones shivered – in terror!

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