A Tale of Shitty Knives

My apartment has a block with four knives in it, from Ikea.  They are the worst knives in North America.  No human being could enjoy using these knives.  The Zoroastrians believe that in hell Ahriman saws continually on a hot chorizo log with these knives, producing an annoying series of slivers and wedges instead of a normal round slices.  One of these knives is about two feet long and serrated like crazy, but still struggles like a club-footed orphan when it comes to slicing a fresh bagel.  THESE KNIVES!  These knives cost only $2.50, but a foul and bilious cloud of saturnine and sanguinary smog hovers over them.  These knives!  One can buy a Henckels santoku knife at TJ MAXX for around $8.  In fact, I think I will go ahead and buy myself a Henckels knife and use it to chop these Ikea knives into a thick coulis of cheap Chinese metal.